Just fuck it.
This post has been stuck in my head for over a week, plugging up all the other things I want to write about out. So, in the spirit of a mental laxative, I'm just going to dump it.
I've been 'the peacemaker' most of my life - the one looking out for everyone else's best interests at the expense of my own. (Probably at least in part because it's easier and safer than standing up for myself.)
I'm tired of sitting in the passenger seat, while some loudmouthed idiot keeps putting us in the ditch.
I'm tired of dumbing myself down, so I won't make someone else feel bad by 'showing them up'.
I'm tired of covering for other people's stupid mistakes. Honest mistakes I have no problem with, (I make plenty of my own, that's how I learn), but if you're gonna insist on doing the same dumbfuck things over & over & then expecting me to accept the negative repercussions, guess again.
I'm tired of being around people who expect/demand that I pay attention to their concerns, but who don't give a rat's ass about mine.
I'm tired of doing really good work & having someone else take credit for it, or in some other way shit on me as a result.
I'm tired of demanding the best of myself, then letting others screw around and fuck up my efforts.
I'm tired of putting more effort into worrying whether I'm treating someone else fairly than about whether I'm treating myself fairly.
I'm tired of holding my tongue so some moron doesn't get the reaming he/she deserves.
I'm tired of spending massive amounts of energy worrying about whether I'm good enough at something, when time after time I've proven to myself I am.
I'm tired of not saying what I think because others might be offended.
I'm tired of trusting people, and allowing them to use that trust to fuck me over.
I'm tired of operating from fear instead of excitement.
I'm tired of letting down good friends because I'm wasting time and energy on others who don't deserve it.
The real truth? I'm not tired of it. I'm angry about it. I'm fucking furious. Especially so because on so may occasions I have let it happen. I've taught people to treat me that way. And now they have a huge investment in me continuing to allow them to. There are going to be a lot of people pissed at me because I won't give them the free ride anymore. Fuck 'em. They're not the people I can afford to have around me anymore. I need - we all need - all the help we can get. Not people standing in our way, sucking the life out of us. dragging us down to their level.
So if you're one of those people in my life? Find another sucker. I've had enough.
This isn't a reflection on my new job, at least not in the way you might think. I'll explain in another post.